Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Not really Carl...

It's not as easy as it sounds Carl. Trust me...some three quarters of the female population in the world have a life-time record of trying to dissolve lad off their bodies. I may have been lucky to be among the few who eat and it apppears as curves on the hips and crests on the chest but i still feel the pain of the unlucky ones still in the quest for perfection... or is it near-perfection.

Just two days ago at 'bout 5.06am, i was all set to leave for work. With the recent 3rd Mainland Bridge closure saga...all mainland legs are on deck earlier than usual. As i was about opening the locks, he told me same thing i had started getting used to hearing every morning;

"You should have prayed when i told you to and you said later, now you're all set for work and wana rush it. He's begining to hate your menu y'know"?

I stood still, keys dangling and guilt smeared all over the red wall of my heart. After rushing outta the gate each morning, i keep promising Him not to do it next time without having a deserving tit-tat with Him and the next morning...i dont. I just serve Him my 2-minutes noodle instead of Spaghetti Bolognesse.

Looking at Dimitrian with the forlorn eyes of a sad puppy, i gave him the noodles(spoke in tongues for some seconds) and rushed out. "Some kid...", he said.

Walking down Kayode street, Lagos was already agog with its usual hassle, noise and confusion. Surely, even God set a daily deadline to listen and answer the prayers of Lagosians cos the background was a mixture of sounds- the wailing Imams from mosques, the early morning wails of the agbo jedi-jedi seller, the cursing danfo drivers at their fellow head-strong colleagues, the bellowing town-crier calls of the lagos danfo-conductor and deafening horn blasts- would give Him a hard time! Approaching Ikorodu express road- lucky to have successfully dodged a fast approaching aboki okada with no lights on- i could make out "wole Akpogbon CMS, hundred naira bus! Leventis, Akpogbon CMS..."! Sieving the background noise, i trailed the repeated words and got into the bus. Minutes into the bumpy ride between Onipan and Fadeyi bus-stops, the need to settle into my seat properly arose;

"Madam please adjust your bag on the chair".

No answer.

"Madam please i'm not seating properly, please move the bag...", i repeated.

When it became obvious madam wasn't going to move the bag, i leaned forward and began 'moving the bag'...

"Ti'm ba fun e n'ifoti, wa a mo boya m'0ogbe baagi l'ori seati"! she spat.

Confused and persistent, i kept tugging at the 'bag' before i realised it wasn't a 'bag'! The woman who couldn't even do a 45 degrees turn to face me began to release bottled up torrents from her yesterday. The only thing i made out in her out-pour was i was 'rubbing her butt'...ewww! Her butt and hips were so fat she didn't feel the slim lady beside her sitting on it till she attempted to turn. Her lad-ladden butt was pouring out of her seat.

Absent mindedly, i gasped, "Is that your bottom?Jeeezuss!"

The laughter from that scene lasted till Ajah Park bus-stop as i shot out of the bus for security purposes...

Now Carl, those weren't curves; those were mounds of thick lad running off her seat on to my knees.

The fat is enviable when it forms a well curved silhouette and well crested cleavge( as i use to my advantage at work) and not when you've got love handles lined down your sides, a tummy fighting with your belt line and stopping you from looking down at your feet and a bum with nauseating dimpled adipose tissues divided by a G- string underneath a lycra pair of pants...yuuuchk...

Since my second year in uni, i have lived a life of weight consciousness. While consentrating on losing some love handles, the arms take it up; while pedalling at the thighs the tummy begins to bulge!After some time i almost gave up, "Will i kill myself?! Whoever i end up with will like and love me for who i am!" Of course talk is cheap and self deceit is temporarily soothing but the truth remains and aint pretty in the mirror.

Today's chic is so conscious of her BMI her life sucks.While eating M&K's, she throes away the coloured ones sticking to the brown ones, she orders for tasteless soda water outside,in parties and celebrations she excludes the koko of the party(excess meat,drinks and cakes). Slowly, life has become frustrating for us cos as much as we skip the delicacies and repent on our snackings, we still dont fit into them clothes...'life aint fair sometimes' we say

29 comments:

miz-cynic said...

abeg....which kayode street o, is it the one at onipanu?pls i need to know!

Carlang said...

lol.
Finally!!

I can now post my comments.

WHich is simply this.

You no serious!!!

lol

fantasy queen said...

lol'...what a way to start the day.

thankGod i havent let myself fall in the category of todays woman. i eat my cholates, devour bowls of icecream, a lil coke here and there and lifes beautiful. i havent done the bmi in ages, but who cares, maybe i'm in denial 'whoever i meet would love me the way i am' he had better anyway.

Afrobabe said...

Mennnn I am lazy when it comes to diets and exercises but when u see the size of some extremely large people you just register for the gym all over again...

bumight said...

preach it sister!

Guys have no idea. they (*cough* carl *cough*)can afford to drink coke everyday and not get fat, we dare not try it.

and naijaleta'll be runnin his mouth saying any girl bigger than a size 10 is not sexy!....

obviously I'm on a tirade now, so I'll just shut up,lol!

onydchic said...

Yes ooo!!! As someone that is constantly at war with her waist line I have to concur!!!!

Please let Carlang know its not beans!

And by the way, THAT kind of fat is just straight up SCARY. You're lucky the woman didn't throttle you!

Naapali said...

pele. next time check the bag well well

CaramelD said...

Oh scarrrrryyyyyyyyy! My gym has been chopping free £40 a month since! I am reclaiming my membership! I'm sure that woman on the bus was once slim! FEAR OH!

Uzezi said...

the bag must have been really heavy. i can imagine.

next time no ask whether na bottom o! the woman fit no agbero

mizchif said...

Yes o, next time, carefully look @ d bag, b4 u meet a mad woman who might react violently.

I can not diet to save my life, so i just stick with going to the gym, tho results r not miraculous, i'm still happy with what i see in the mirror.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

babes you feel my pain
Sometimes, all the fat free soy milk and one calorie salad sprays and organic soy bars can get tiring. Sometimes, I just want me a big burger and a milkshake..but then I think about all the time I spent at the gym and I chicken out...lol

Buttercup said...

lol...wow...that pic n what u just narrated is a wake-up call for me..i need to cut down on my coke n chocs intake...

Jaycee said...

Lolll...Carlang posted ur link. Don't mind him, he thinks guys are the ones with the issues...lol.

Jayjazzy said...

First time here, u write beautifully and ur power of description is wowing!! anyways we all have our struggles with weight but i guess we try to keep off all the pounds and trust its not easy not with all them fast food n co..

Uche said...

@miz-cynic: yep!its dat same one that routingly forms a river from gutter_springs at d bus-stop when heaven cries..

@Carl: you no well!!!

@naapali: check the 'bag' well?..so she'll descend on me wit drum-stick arms...no way!Unless u'r in line wif mizchif to carefully look at the bag;but...wont i look like a perv'!

@uzezi: advice 100% taken

Chari said...

lol...omg omg!

very nice one here...but in ma mind am like eeewwww!!!!

hmmn...the yoruba people say sth:

"The one with a head has no hat...and the one with a hat has no head..."

I am below [yes below] the BMI...buh do I care hell nawl!

ibiluv said...

loosing weight aiint funny but me thinks we should always watch it when it starts to pile up......

i have an aunt that is that fat.....she says she doesnt know how she got that fat....me thinks she's just plain stupid......

rayo said...

wow, wir did ya get dat pix from. nd lol at the s so xwoman in d bus, thats so xtrm.

exschoolnerd said...

ewww!!! lol u r lucky it wasnt one crase woman like that....

i feel u jare, u can't kill urself...i am not slim...i am big and my height helps... i have come to terms with it..as long as i dont let myself get bigger than i am..m fine with it...i used to be depressed but no longer n i dnt wnt to go bck to those days...

tobenna said...

tchew!
You are lucky it wasn't me.
I woulda slapped the taste outta your mouth!
Smooching my bum bum publicly?
Whats that?

Excellent write up.
Carl adviced well.
welcome!

Esmeralda said...

that picture is horrendous! Scheisse!

how do people actually get that fat? i dont mean to be condescending or anything, but besides medical reasons, no other reason can be justified to me!

lol @ the woman in the bus.

geisha.song. said...

so sad, so true, and so EUGGHH!!!

theicequeen said...

awww, first time i came to your blog, the aboki story, the comment thingy wasn't there..couldnt comment...:P

it's true o!! the fat is quite enviable when it goes to hips and boobs and even the bum, creating that foooine curvy thick effect..but omoh, when person start to resemble miccelin tyre.....

fluffycutething said...

LMAO ROFL...

Laughing so much here i cannot even comment. Thank God say my Oga no dey office she for don give me memo LOL

sitting on her wat????????? LOL

isha said...

Wow! Honestly, all that fat-less butter and sugar-less sugar and cream-less icecream is overrated. I'm not slim, but I can see my toes when I look down, and I don't see the need to punish my tastebuds. Honestly. it's all about quantity control and living an active life. I've been crunching my ABs seriously, and I've noticed that my stomach has started sending me warning signals as to its new size. So EAT but not till you're 'drunk'...

Temite said...

What!!! I would have slapped u into next week. i actually feel sorry for the poor woman. Being that fat cannot be easy. Im sure she has her reasons. over size 10 be fat. chei i no know about dat one o.

Afronuts said...

LMAO!!

Gosh! Fat all ova the place!
First time here.

Uche I love d way u write girl!
I'm hooked to ur blog!!

I must review you!

TY Tha Mos Magnificent said...

hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Um, reading this as i eat my plantain chips...

Nice one, though. And welcome to blogville!