. . . SINGLE AMBITIONED LADIES. . .

I'll keep talking and sounding my horn against the present scourge that has taken over the young female populace and the society - who is the master conveyor of this problem. I keep getting questions as "when do you intend getting married", "what'll be the colour of your 'aso-ebi"and "when are the bells gona ring?" instead of "What creative ideas do you have mapped out as a graduate" or "Have you started work?" All of a sudden, sistas have lost it, none of us seem to have dreams and ambitions anymore.

As a graduate from the uni., i've been opportuned to meet and interact with sistas whose attitudes towards life after their university degree is lackadaisical. To think that i'll successfully go through the storms and hurdles involved in getting a degree in Nigeria and not fight back by having a staggering punch-back?...No way! Back in the days as a secondary school girl, the female university students were very industrious..They always had a calculated infomation to give their folks and their minds were busy as a factory. Discussions revolved on what they wanted to be and issues concerning the society.

Unfortunately, this isn't the case anymore. That generation of gutsy women have since grown up, achieved their dreams, got married and had kids who in turn have grown into the present generation of lilly-livered, no-job-seeking, no-potential-building, single-ambitioned ladies which is to get married! Now don't get me wrong. . . there still are ladies out there who are still driven by determination, make something out of nothing and whose brains still work round the clock like factories; however, the percentage of these few is very small compared to that of the single ambitioned sistas- this is the crux of my concern.

Shortly before university, i had ideas of what i wanted out of life; i had creative ideas and a heaven-high list of sure opportunities and choices. During the first half of my days in school, i was eager and quick to tell anyone who cared to listen to me; of course... talk they say is cheap so i rattled away to my 'interviewers'. By the second half 'tori' begin change. I became the sole occupant paddling my canoe. The consciousness of the age and marriage syndrome had taken over the industrious spirit- "Why break your head about your future when you can hook on to an unsuspecting broda thereby securing your future?"

Nobody prays for one's husband to die, become physically maimed or decide to divorce you but. . . what if one of these happens- what next?

A sista who at least had something going before and after she got 'hooked' would have something to fall back on. Some ladies even take this deal to the extreme by staying idle even after years of marriage. I tell you- no matter how rich and wealthy your husband is,. . . at death his relatives ( in the villa) will ensure you get none of it- afterall you've been idling away on his money, now he's dead...it's their turn! If he divorces you it'll even hit you harder cos we're in a society where the payement of alimoney doesn't work.

This is my advice- stay away and keep as few friends as possible(if they have characters you can emulate) who seem to fall in the 'SINGLE-AMBITONED' category, have more of the gutsy,round-the-clock friends and DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN TOO MANY 'ASO-EBI's'- THEY TAG THE NUMBER OF CONJUGATIONS YOU'VE WITNESSED WHILE YOU REMAIN THE SINGLE ONE. Don't be tuned by the society or envy your colleagues or course-mates who are married cos all these people are only present at the ceremony; they wont be around when the excitement of early marriage had gone sour and you are home alone doing nothing while they have places of work to go everyday.

A word is enough for a sister. . .

Lagos, even though...

Even though price hike starts here when currency values are changed, we can still find low cost varieties of same goods while other states that picked up price still suffer the effects;

Even though you are @ the lowest strata, you can still afford low cost foods from the varieties of 'Mama Put'and 'Iya Basira';

Even though the streets are dirty & we curse, spit, breath less & hold our noses each time we pass the dump, it makes it easy for us to guitlessly fling ours on the way to work, afterall...ur quota wont make a difference to the heap!

Even though the touts and 'agbero's' could be wild in thier elements, they can put the town on stand-still once you pally wit them and they take a liking for you;

Even though underneathe is a gutter bubbling with algae and spirogyra, the petty trader still deems it a perfect spot for her tray of wares.

Even though there's a greenish-brown, tummy-wrenching puddle between you and the woman hailing fresh/tinned tomatoes and fish at obviously cheaper rates, you find a way around it to maximize this-once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity;

Even though you dare not buy/drink pure water at your VI/ Ikoyi or Lekki office, you go all out to gwt a combination of pure water and gala or 'kpof-kpof' at the bus parl and get down to business in the bus;

Even though you wonder how people can sit and eat freely at the road sides during the day having an umbrella and a weather beaten lace curtain wound around it for covering, you steal out in the covering of the night and partake of the communion;

Even though everything seems stale, TY Bello says it's green;

. . . Lagos. . .even though even though, it is still a wonderful place

Not really Carl...

It's not as easy as it sounds Carl. Trust me...some three quarters of the female population in the world have a life-time record of trying to dissolve lad off their bodies. I may have been lucky to be among the few who eat and it apppears as curves on the hips and crests on the chest but i still feel the pain of the unlucky ones still in the quest for perfection... or is it near-perfection.

Just two days ago at 'bout 5.06am, i was all set to leave for work. With the recent 3rd Mainland Bridge closure saga...all mainland legs are on deck earlier than usual. As i was about opening the locks, he told me same thing i had started getting used to hearing every morning;

"You should have prayed when i told you to and you said later, now you're all set for work and wana rush it. He's begining to hate your menu y'know"?

I stood still, keys dangling and guilt smeared all over the red wall of my heart. After rushing outta the gate each morning, i keep promising Him not to do it next time without having a deserving tit-tat with Him and the next morning...i dont. I just serve Him my 2-minutes noodle instead of Spaghetti Bolognesse.

Looking at Dimitrian with the forlorn eyes of a sad puppy, i gave him the noodles(spoke in tongues for some seconds) and rushed out. "Some kid...", he said.

Walking down Kayode street, Lagos was already agog with its usual hassle, noise and confusion. Surely, even God set a daily deadline to listen and answer the prayers of Lagosians cos the background was a mixture of sounds- the wailing Imams from mosques, the early morning wails of the agbo jedi-jedi seller, the cursing danfo drivers at their fellow head-strong colleagues, the bellowing town-crier calls of the lagos danfo-conductor and deafening horn blasts- would give Him a hard time! Approaching Ikorodu express road- lucky to have successfully dodged a fast approaching aboki okada with no lights on- i could make out "wole Akpogbon CMS, hundred naira bus! Leventis, Akpogbon CMS..."! Sieving the background noise, i trailed the repeated words and got into the bus. Minutes into the bumpy ride between Onipan and Fadeyi bus-stops, the need to settle into my seat properly arose;

"Madam please adjust your bag on the chair".

No answer.

"Madam please i'm not seating properly, please move the bag...", i repeated.

When it became obvious madam wasn't going to move the bag, i leaned forward and began 'moving the bag'...

"Ti'm ba fun e n'ifoti, wa a mo boya m'0ogbe baagi l'ori seati"! she spat.

Confused and persistent, i kept tugging at the 'bag' before i realised it wasn't a 'bag'! The woman who couldn't even do a 45 degrees turn to face me began to release bottled up torrents from her yesterday. The only thing i made out in her out-pour was i was 'rubbing her butt'...ewww! Her butt and hips were so fat she didn't feel the slim lady beside her sitting on it till she attempted to turn. Her lad-ladden butt was pouring out of her seat.

Absent mindedly, i gasped, "Is that your bottom?Jeeezuss!"

The laughter from that scene lasted till Ajah Park bus-stop as i shot out of the bus for security purposes...

Now Carl, those weren't curves; those were mounds of thick lad running off her seat on to my knees.

The fat is enviable when it forms a well curved silhouette and well crested cleavge( as i use to my advantage at work) and not when you've got love handles lined down your sides, a tummy fighting with your belt line and stopping you from looking down at your feet and a bum with nauseating dimpled adipose tissues divided by a G- string underneath a lycra pair of pants...yuuuchk...

Since my second year in uni, i have lived a life of weight consciousness. While consentrating on losing some love handles, the arms take it up; while pedalling at the thighs the tummy begins to bulge!After some time i almost gave up, "Will i kill myself?! Whoever i end up with will like and love me for who i am!" Of course talk is cheap and self deceit is temporarily soothing but the truth remains and aint pretty in the mirror.

Today's chic is so conscious of her BMI her life sucks.While eating M&K's, she throes away the coloured ones sticking to the brown ones, she orders for tasteless soda water outside,in parties and celebrations she excludes the koko of the party(excess meat,drinks and cakes). Slowly, life has become frustrating for us cos as much as we skip the delicacies and repent on our snackings, we still dont fit into them clothes...'life aint fair sometimes' we say

...Terry, i swear i still hear his voice...

Terry.

The closest family friend we ever had. To us he was terrific, to strangers he was terror. An object of grudging admiration by neighbors Terry was a well-fed,muscle-toned, smooth-haired, hazel-eyed chap.This relationship started about 8 year ago.

"Yeeehhh!Nnena come and see"!

"What"?!Eyes almost taking the shape of the screen my twin sister kept bored a hole through the couch.

"Awwwgh...he's so cute. Chinyere!! Bring the remaining piece of chicken in the micro-wave!... Now"!

At the sound of 'chicken' my sis was already with the keys. And so the adult-knocked-senseless-by-a-cutie session continued while Terry backed away with each attempt to be carried by mindless acting adults.

Move Aboki...! Get off the road!!!

Its about time the authorities review the laws, regulations and what have you guiding road and transport users.They should consider banning a particular 'Aboki'-termed class of people cos their resent influx into the roads especially the okada business is a serious cause for concern.

Standing next to an Okada, i beckoned on its rider some distance away;

"You dey go"?

The aboki looked up and then down again, returning to his present distraction of sorting groundnuts from its shell- the dry, sand-roasted, teeth enamel-grazing type.Abokis have a liking to the crude things of life. Still standing;

"You no dey go..."?

Concluding that groundnuts cracking and peeling was more profitting(to his belly) than money making, i started walking away.

"Madam, where..."? the aboki hailed, dusting his palms and still not looking at me.

"Madam where i dey go"?

I turned around unable to ignore the idiosyncratic speech of the aboki. Clapping his palms in a bid to dust them off and finally shining them off on his trousers, he approached. At a loss on how to react, i gave in;

"Et'al Hall".

"Etoho"? he mumbled.

"E-t-a-l H-a-l-l-l-l".

"Efanol"?he mumbled again

"For Oando filling station,et'al hall...you no know am"?

Pointing in no direction in partcular,

"For this side kwo, na estate..."?

"Which estate...you know the place"?

"Oya make we go"! and he started his okada.

"You no know the place, where you know sey you wan go"?

'Ehh, no be for this corner"?

Before i could reply, he had turned to his colleague and after a mumbo-jumbo session, he got his colleague more confused than himself.

Irritated, i hissed and continued my walk,

'Madam! we no go again"?

With a stare that could send the freshly masticated groundnuts back up his throat i looked at him then turned away.

For goodness sake the aboki didn't have the semantic and phonetic abilities to understand english more or less interprete the destination. Similarly, i've boarded numerous okadas of 'ignoramus' abokis i virtually had to keep reading the road to him like he was a horse. Another scary thing about them is their dumb, reckless driving...they are total wrecks in fore-seeing raod/traffic situations especially when crazy danfo drivers are in existence! An aboki will allow you board his bike on the curb and then stupidly back into the lane of an approaching BRT! He'll see a puddle but since his feet/leg is already a mess of caked mud, grasses and all, he cares less 'bout anybody's feet/legs. An aboki will approach a hold-up and gladly queue behind a Lagos Lawma refuse trailer rather than the Ford Explorer by his right!...maybe he feels at home closer to the trailer.Their mumuness plenty full tomato basket.

Following the 'Eternal life' attitude every okada rider in Lagos has, the aboki's attitude is full-blown and dumb. Other riders are somewhat conscious of they/their babies getting scratched or accidents and use their bikes as street disk jockies- disturbing the environs with horrible local choices of Pasuma,Kwam 1,Obesere, P-Square,etc; abokis are indifferent to their bikes or body.My last experience with one put a lid on it. The aboki displayed big time...

Against sitting in a bus sardined between two people in a humid bus exchanging humid respiratory elements, i decided to bike to Oceanic Bank along Lekki-Epe express way.Attempts at gaining the attention of one of the seeveral aboki okada riders failed as usual. I gave in to stopping one from the express. Carried away with my phone while on the bike, i realised we had passed the bank and bursted out,

"Stop!Stop! Abeg stop jo...You no dey look? See the Oceanic dey your back. Argh argh! Abeg turn, i no fit waka"!

And then hell was let loose...

"Come down right now! Come down"! Who you think sey you dey talk to eh? Na wich mumu you put for here? Oya get am down i kill you here now"!

EH!!! In mili-seconds, i was off the bike but he went on and on...

"You think sey na your money go make me rich? Who you be? Even if you be Yar' Adua pikin...look...note my face...yes...look am well well. Never you call my okada again for your life. You think sey na because you call bank i go dey worship you because you get money? Talk any rubbish now make i kill you, nobody fit do anytin...."!

I kept mute knowing i had my own mushin + Abulegba + Oshodi madness which i neither wanted to display while wearing a suit on the express way nor contend with a dagger-happy aboki! After 35 minutes, i calmly walked away. At this point i swore to keep away from any coal-complexioned, dusty eye-lashed, discoloured-haired aboki okada rider. At desperate times when all decent and clean okada riders can't be found, i'll keep to my red-eyed, ogogoro-smelling,konga-blasting typical lagos okada rider...

Just this morning, i witnessed an okada accident at Ozumba Mbadiwe... the DEAD TWISTED CORPSE- the okada rider was an aboki.

Why wouldn't they just stick to their shoe-making and water-fetching professions eh...why?

...can i? I can!!

What have i done and what can i do?

Since my literay Lords haven't been quite favoured towards me, hence they've lost chances of being my 'rites' guardian. You gotta crawl before walking but at the time jumping best suited the occasion so i jumped, landed in mud and to tell the truth-the pix ahead kinda got me comfy in the mud.

Yes...the heart sinking disappointments of man. I started writing at a time comparable to when slaves were forbidden to read, when fellow fingerlins like me were better skilled at erecting sand-castles with bottle-tops and discarded plastic plates that had escaped the bin and started a host of compost and worms! When i got to primary school it was a saver. My enviable skill got me representing the forlone school in literary knock-outs which mostly ended well.

By the way i went to a public yoruba-speaking,every-friday-kpankere-submitting,sponge-and-omo-submitting, broom-submitting,hold-your-dress-close-to-your-bum-bloody-flogging hell of a public school!

Of course some really intolerable traits tagged along after graduaton but called it quits with my friendship after series of trashings from mum. Thats not the point.

Moving on to boarding-secondary school,it was a killer.

I wrote about a disabled senior-'Sister Loving'...loving my butt... and the page was let out of the book!The rest of my junior years saw me living like a roach; a life of sneaking in and out of the crevices of the school walls. Senior Loving chose to suspend the meaning of her name because of me till she graduated. Still, this isnt the point.

In university, it was my play tool. I used it in class, to win favours from my lecturers and of course-the guys. Seeing the credibility of my works, minus Senior Loving's own, i decided and started keepin tabs on them.

Now we are getting close to the point.

You know those moments after uni. when you're filled with so much combustible energy you forget you aren't flame(fantastic 4)? Well, i had my share of it and went on to give my first complete anthology to a dude who had his stakes in the literary soil. I believed it would gimme a head start of invasion.

In telegraphic lingua; 3weeks;no word> 7weeks;no word> 8 weeks;I ask; He in new office; book in old office> 10weeks; No visits or calls to office>12weeks;No book!

By the third month i confronted hGod help him if i see any part of it represim 'audibly' and it stil didnt produce my book five years and counting. God help him if i seepart of it represented as someone else's.

I have lost enough works to 'empty promising' people in high places that culda got me in contending position with Chimamanda- hope the spelling's right. After my last experience, i shutted down. Recently, the cries to restart have got to me with every creative work i stumble on until a particular phrase from the pit hit the roof;

..i told you guys she was a loser;no guts,no balls...

...you got that right...no ******* balls...three hits and she's down, let's ditch her...

This was while i was comfortable in the mud. Looking ahead i didnt think i could match up to time lost wadding in the mud. Laid before me were land-marks of literary successes. While in the mud i had witnessed passers-by fall, get up and toggle on ahead of me. It was then the true meaning of failure played itself. I had been a failure cos i fell and remained fallen.

The power to change that status rested in me and i decided to use it.

At this point i can boldly answer my question- i have fallen and i will rise!

This aint no clarion call, tis a decision.

My advice: dont wait till ur elements decide to abandon ship or drop anchor, as far as y'have it in you, keep sailing; though your clothes cake up in mud, keep walking.

Mobile compost...

"Na wa o! This one they don't want us to hear their voice today".

Opening the door, i struck a pose, hips forming a lustful crest of a curve- i do this all the time and it works.

"Uche"! bellowed Kufa."Uche! Anything for us"?

Changing my pose and further stepping into the office, my breathe caught. The cells of my nasal membrane darted in violent successions as they acted on common impulse. There was a stampede in my head.

Any attempt to talk or exhale would let the cells go bungee-jumping. Looking like i had just stepped into Dumbledore,i stood remote-controlled while Kufa's speech was a mixture of voiceless speeches and gesticulations-mor like an agitated monkey trying out Yahozee. With the speed of light i was at my desk still shaken from the encounter.

"What putrifying smell was that"? i bursted out quietly in exhaustion

Turning my head and positioning my jaw right and lwft, i made best attempts at re-assuring i wasnt the mobile compost. With 'Double-sure deodorant protection and a suffocating bath in numerous spritz of Escada, i couldn't possibly be the one... last sniffs and i was settled.

Didn't he have a nose? He sure didn't have a flu or nasal congestion. No wonder he was the only one in the office. Aboks and T2 must have bursted outa the office like a diver for a breathe of fresh air. Picking courage i walked back in and found the culprit....HIS SHOES!

It's a suicidal thing when one is in the line of setting off alarms and one can't hear any of them. It' like walking back-first into the high-way with ear-phone rammed into your ears. Apart from Kufa's practical instance, a lot of us set off alarms and walked away in ignorance from the stampede we've caused ... Kufa is sure walking away in his own. There are mobile accidents waiting for a park and victims.

If you haven't encountered any of these 'Mobile Compost',you dont leave on earth;

• Smelly arm-holes(Dripping with sweat)
• Smelly shoes
• Over-grown/Yellow coloured under-arm peeking out of the corners
• Body odour
• Tummy- wrenching mouth odour
• Smelly hair-Ladies...you dont have to wear your hair to gain value for y'money!
• Unkept locks- 'dredded locks'
• Snors
• Talkatives

These could go on and on. I don't pray anyone be a carrier of any of this cos one day,for fear of contaminating his sweet smelling sacrifices, God will send you to another planet...

'...AND WORK ENDS'.

At the close of work, I decided I wasn't going to remain lost in cyberspace anymore- I had to find myself, Jeez! Now I agree with the school of thought which pose the internet as an international 'distracter'. God! Two months and I can't account for spent!
My boss wasn't in but of course things didn't go amiss; Friday round-table held as usual but lasted longer than expected-to my annoyance. After it got too dark to leave, i worked my 'Yams' up and down the stairs while the lawyers worked up their 'graey' matters.
Three hours later, a brew of sounds indicated conclusion of the roundtable. Enibabs was on the wheels before her chair even realized she had got up, the ever radiant smile on T2's face was aglow, Kufa- whose voice towered above the rest as usual defeated the eerie silence that had begun enveloping the space. Visions of my house-my room- became tangible 'but talk they must talk'-antenna picked up trails of a half-answered question by Jenifa and Tallest was helping out. I quickly joined in a bid to get Tallest out of it and on to our journey home.
We caught our 'executive danfo' (company bus cum danfo by night) all the way to our bus stops. Home at last! Starting from the door i swung my feet and shot my shoes down the aisle, flung my bag into a basket by the door- on a second thought I picked it up to be later dumped on the bed, threw the loaf of Shoprite bread unto the kitchen counter, opened the louvers and flicked the switches, turned on the TV and finally opened the freezer ...I use the frost level to determine how long NEPA's been nice!
I finally settled to a meal of toast and eggs hugging my coffee mug opposite a DVD show of 'Desperate Housewives' at 12.47am. Hopefully, no midnight calls...